Blogging in the Shallows

I can't believe I'm talking about this. Any time now, it'll be all over the headlines - SANDRA BACK IN REHAB!

SANDRA TAKES A PUNCH AT NOSY REPORTER!

SANDRA GOING BLONDE?

SANDRA ADOPTS TWELVE BABIES FROM SIBERIA! ...

Nonetheless, shallow as it may be, I must tell you. Today, I took my virginal feet to Merle Norman's Parksville salon, and I gave them into the care of the lovely Janice, who knows me already, because she is in charge of controlling my unwanted fur. I told her it was my first time. She was shocked. I told her I was frightened of having somebody come at my feet with sharp objects. She understood, and she used only an emery board, not clippers or scissors. I told her I had heard horror stories about people getting - EEK! FOOT FUNGUS! from pedicures. She reassured me. I had chosen this particular place to deflower my feet, largely because I knew that it was scrupulously clean, so I believed her.

While Il Divo sang in the background, my tootsies were soaked and scraped and massaged and oiled. Then I chose a coral nail polish, and Janice painted my toenails. It's amazing how much better they look than they ever have when I attempted to do it myself. I said so. Janice explained that it's hard to aim right when you're twisted up like a pretzel to reach your feet. True. True. It's not that I'm inept. It's perfectly understandable.

Oh - at this point, I said something about my nail polish getting thick toward the end of the bottle, and Janice told me a trade secret. I'll share it with you. If you keep the rim of the bottle clean by wiping it with nail polish remover before you put the cap back on, your polish will stay thin right to the bottom. There. A million dollar hint. Literally. You'll thank me later. I'll thank Janice.

When my pedicure was over, I was fitted with a pair of soft little black sandals. They're only 1/4 inch thick. Janice made me close my eyes while she slipped them onto my feet, so that I wouldn't try to help - because that way lies disaster. I'm still wearing them - two hours later - along with the tissues that were folded and woven around my toes. Oh - another hint - the tissues work much better than the foam things ("One size fits none", said Janice), mostly because they don't hurt. I may never put shoes back on, though I think I'll shed the tissues shortly.

There you go. It's over. I have soft feet and pretty toenails. And in the end, I think the process was less a deflowering than a reflowering. (I hear you can have that done in California, by the way. Life is strange.)